New Vampire's Handbook, The

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Being turned into a vampire is the easy part. Actually becoming a vampire is far more difficult. What to look for in a coffin? How to lure the tastiest prey? How to stay on trend over the centuries? Garlic and sunlight - as dangerous as they'd have us believe? In today’s world of vampire-obsessed pop culture, misinformation abounds. A newly turned vampire who looks to films and novels for answers to everlasting life’s question risks being reduced to a smouldering pile of dust. So where can you, a neophyte immortal, turn for reliable information about leading your best and bloodiest existence? The New Vampire’s Handbook is the definitive guide, and includes: - a head-to-toe look at your vampiric body: how to harness your new powers to dispatch mortal enemies, maintain your fangs, and embrace your vampirosexuality - methods for luring prey, faking your way through meals, approaching other vampires, and creating a four-hundred-year financial plan - tips on acting your “age,” behaving appropriately if you see a human you knew decades ago, and dealing with epic vampire feuds - essential advice for blending in with the masses, from finding a coven to avoiding the media (and mirrors) to staying on top of the latest fashion trends Welcome to the night.

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Miles Proctor is AKA The Onion's Joe Garden, Chris Pauls, Anita Serwacki, and former Onion writers Scott Sherman and Janet Ginsburg, Together they have authored The Dastardly Book for Dogs (42k tcm) and The Devious Book for Cats (21k tcm).