Citizen You!: Helping Your Government Help Itself

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Will you be ready when FBI agents break down your door in the middle of the night to administer the annual Patriotism Pop Quiz? Avoid the embarrassment of permanent, extralegal incarceration. Buy Citizen You! now and memorize before it's too late! This is the only citizenship manual chosen by U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft as mandatory reading under an obscure provision of the USA PATRIOT Act. Illuminate your body, mind, and soul with the cleansing light of Freedomx99; that shines from the pages of this powerful handbook! Read the only straight-shooting, authorized, legally binding code of behavior capable of saving you from mistakes of thought and deed that could land you in the clink forever! Learn what it means to be a good American, and how you can impress the authorities so that they'll leave you alone! Teach your children to respect God, the flag, our nation's brave Presidential Appointee George W. Bush, and most of all, Dick Cheney! Be a better American than your neighbors, then turn them in to the Department of Homeland Security for their traitorous behavior!

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Mike Loew has been the Graphics Editor for The Onion since 1995. He was a co-author and produced the graphics for The Onion's New York Times #1 bestseller Our Dumb Century, and is the author of Tough Call. Joe Garden's story of being plucked from the obscurity of a Madison, WI, liquor store and thrust into the obscurity of byline-free satire writing has become legend. He has been a writer for The Onion for ten years. Randy Ostrow is a producer of films such as Let It Ride, State of Grace, Fresh, and Basquiat. Together, they are the The Better Citizenship Bureau.